


tear-stained pillow

by koganegawas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6207367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koganegawas/pseuds/koganegawas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dan is alone one night, and his thoughts get to him</p><p>warnings: depression, angst, sad sad sad baby</p>
            </blockquote>





	tear-stained pillow

**Author's Note:**

> feelings dumped into a phanfic, get ready

It's 3 in the morning, and Dan can't sleep. It seems like he can never sleep, it might be his meds or it might be his stupid, malfunctioning brain.

He tries turning around, his legs getting caught in his sheets. He hates this. It's not Phil's fault that he wanted to go see his parents. It's not Phil's fault that he leaves Dan alone for one night. Just one. It's his choice. Dan just hates being alone.

And all of a sudden, horrible thoughts flood his mind, flowing through his veins. He's useless, can't even function properly without someone to watch over him. He's fucking 24, not 5. Why couldn't he just sleep? Worthless, it's not like Phil actually cared. That's why he left. Phil must hate him.

He knows that this isn't actually true, but his brain makes him think that it is, overpowering. It's just fucked up.

Everything else he hasn't done yet, too. He knows that he hasn't uploaded a video in over a month, but every time he turns on the camera and tries to talk about something, anything, his voice sounds hoarse and he looks dead. Maybe he is. Dark circles under his eyes, cracked lips. He sure looks dead.

Phil. He needs Phil to anchor him to this earth, without him he'd be dead.

And he wants to be dead, too. But Phil wouldn't let that. Either be dead, or okay. Two options.

But he's not okay. He knows this with certainty. As much as he knows that he needs Phil to live and as much as he wants to die. He knows that he can't wake up and feel motivated to get up. He can't sleep like a normal person. He can't not over think. He can't live his life because he's not okay.

He feels something wet press against his cheek. And he realizes that he's been crying into his pillow. Of course, he does this every fucking day.

But this time, he doesn't have Phil to hold him, tell him that it'll be okay. It won't be okay, because Dan's not okay. And he's exhausted and terrified of his own mind. He needs to take his meds but he can't. He can't get up and he can't live his life like a normal 24 year old. But he's so drained of everything, especially life.

And with his cheek pressed against the tear stained pillow, he falls asleep, succumbed to the exhaustion and completely drained. Knowing that tomorrow won't be okay either, but Phil will be there to help.


End file.
